(insert title here) - Volume 1 Issue 2 - John Mars Attracts, Attacks by Dave Wininger

On Saturday, the twenty-fourth of March 2001, the year of our Lord, John Mars did graceth the Ye Olde Colgate Pub. With an entourage of former Clinton, NY chums and acquaintances in tow and Colgate's own The Skeptics as an hors d'oeuvre. I myself had been looking forward to this show for months, telling any and all who would listen (and quite a few that were unwilling to see the light) that this was the must-see concert of the year. And truly the importance was recognized, as the concert was one of the most well attended S.C.O.P.E. shows of this semester.

The night's tone was set early by The Skeptics, who repeatedly told the audience that they "suck" (And a side note, since this performance the ratio of number of times The Skeptics say they suck to number of other things they say has decreased remarkably) whilst performing Punk Rock covers of songs such as "American Jesus", "For Whom the Bell Tolls", and "Stepping Stone." When they finished the stage was set for the main event, Monsieur Mars himself with his trusty Yamaha keyboard. Opening with "The Best Ass in Hollywood" the crowd realized what it had gotten itself into. He realized what he had gotten into himself with his first attempt at banter: "So, what does everyone do at Colgate for Fun?" And referencing track 1 of his album, an audience member replied "Masturbate."

Occasionally confusing the crowd by getting up and saying he was taking a break only to return after a minute's time, his goal was to keep the audience on its toes. After renditions of "Some Crazy Bitch" and "Danny Boy" he asked the audience "Are you disturbed yet?" To which the appropriate reply was made "No, you haven't played 'Little Girl' yet." His reply "It's coming" was followed by the fan favorite "I Want my Drugs" to which some members of the audience in a Rocky Horror-esque manner threw ziplock bags of generic extra strength Tylenol at him.

The set became progressively more disturbing with the promised "Little Girl" (Little Girl / Do you want Candy / Little Girl / Do you want to play / Everybody knows / It's a scary scary world / But that doesn't mean / Love can never be between / a little girl / and a big big boy like me) and "Rape" where as the tempo quickened, red spot lights were raised on the stage. His theatrical side was further shown during "Assholes like You" where he stood on his chair as the keyboard continued to play, called for the audiences attention, and then sat back down and seamlessly began playing again right at the chorus. One of the pleasant surprises of the evening was "At the Drive-In" which deviated from Mars's normal song structure of a simple two verses/choruses with a bridge by having multiple verses that showed creativity as a story unfolded within the song.

His last song (during the encore) was a quirky cover of West Side Story's "Somewhere." John Mars surely would be the most interesting casting of Maria ever, and he illustrated why. Then the audience was left to digest what they had seen, as well as whether or not to take up his offer to stalk him and go to room 222 of the White Eagle Conference Center. Another viewpoint comes from a campus safety officer interviewed after the show: "I've heard more intelligent things from my three-year-old."